Romans 8

"What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for His own? No one-for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God's right hand, pleading for us. Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the scripture says, "For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.") No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries, about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all of creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:31-39

The love that is received from God is insane. He will do anything for us to show us His love for us. Sometimes that is through people closest to us, a random stranger, or children in another country. The thought of love these days overwhelms my mind as I try to understand what it means and how we are supposed to show that feeling to those in our lives. Sometimes it is scary to love those closest to us and to love them unconditionally is fearful because we may be hurt by it. We are called to love though. If God loves me unconditionally and through everything, why can't I just love those that matter most with all I have?

The Kiss

Life is often full of the unexpected. People you know turn out to be someone you never thought and those dearest to you have more control than you think. Well I have a friend who I have confided in and grown in a relationship with. We have been asked what the deal is with us and we have had the DTR talk. Until the past day or two i was perfectly fine with where this guy and I were. Then he asked me to come stay the night at his sisters and I didn't think anything of it. We lied in bed and just talked about what we have done in past relationships. It was going on 2AM and I had to wake up for church so I was slowly falling in and out of sleep. I woke up when he took his shirt off and then wrapped himself around me. The second time he was scratching my back where my shirt had been raised. From there he was scratching my stomach when I turned towards him. Our faces were close to one another and I could sense that something was going to happen. I told him that this had to mean something and if it didn't then not to do it because he had every ounce of power to hurt me. He laid still and didn't move so I assumed he was done. Then he sat up and looked at me and said The last thing I want to do is hurt you. He began by nibbling my ear, then he slowly started to kiss my face, everywhere but my lips. I grabbed his face finally and said if you are going to kiss me then do it otherwise this can't keep happening. He said he wanted to kiss me but he knew it would hurt me more down the road. I asked if there were any feelings or if this was just him being needy and wanting something. At first he was just silent and I was so upset to think that it was just because. But then he told me there were feelings but sometimes there weren't any. Those none feelings were there because we are two different people. I then got upset and said that he was a jerk for doing what he did. He left and went to sleep on the couch. I went in and out of sleep because I was so upset with him. Then he came in at 10AM to tell me the time because of church. He lied there and then the same thing from earlier that morning happened. He started by scratching my head, then my arm, then back, and last my stomach. I thought that maybe he had a change of heart, but at the same time i was still nervous. I turned my head towards him and we lied there for some time being. Then he looked at me and was over me, at first there was nothing. We were just there in the same position as the night before. Then he kissed me. And we continued to kiss. There was a lot of this and before we knew it, it was 1:45PM. We had to separate make out sessions, that were pretty intense. When we were done we both realized what had happened. He began to feel the guilt and I began to worry about our friendship. Things are going to be different now and it worries me. He said there won't be anymore alone time with each other and that kills me. That is the only time we spent together. I guess I will see how it all plays into each other.

As the day goes by we text one another making sure the other is okay not not full of regret. He said if we both know what happened and understand that nothing is coming out of it then we will be fine. I can accept all of that, it may not be the top of my wanting, but I understand. I asked him why he sometimes has feelings and why he sometimes doesn't. He responded with, "Because you are an amazing friend who happens to be an attractive female. I would be stupid or homosexual to not feel something for you. But thats where it ends for me. I know what I want and you just aren't her:(" As much as I hate him saying that I am glad he is being honest with me. Although, I sometimes wish that he was just too scared to be in a relationship with me, but I know that isn't the case. I didn't want him to be just another guy and I have to accept and be okay that he is. He is different from other guys though. He is someone I confide in, I laugh with, tell me past to, trust, and want to spend time with. I don't want to hurt him. I pray for the strength to make it through all of this. I pray that him and I will be okay and even though it will be awkward for a couple days I know him and I will survive this because we've survived so much together.