Growing Up.

Growing up is one of the hardest yet most mature things to do. No matter where one walks in life the journey's that he or she tackles make them a stronger person and help them to have a better understanding of how life works. With growing up comes the tasks of working on relationships with people and how to make them work. Part of growing up are thinking about the words that are used and how some of the simplest words can be some of the most hurtful things someone will ever say.

Prepare a place for us

Last night I was talking to a good friend about the Christian life and what it means. At one point I said, "Heaven freaks me out." I did not meant that in a bad way but simple by saying that once I day the rest of my life is in this one place. There is a place that I can't even begin to imagine what this place of glory and pure joy will be. In fact those two word don't even come close to describing what Heaven is going to be like. There are no earthly words that describe how amazing and awesome Heaven is and the God who is creating this place.

The Bible states that Jesus is preparing a place for us. Heaven is supposed to come down to Earth. Last night I had a realization and I even think of it as I am doing my job today, but Jesus is living in me. The gift that God gave me is the gift I am supposed to use to make the Earth that heavenly place one day. I think that the world sometimes thinks that it is getting so bad, that God is going to come back when we can't do anything anymore but I feel like God is going to come back when we are finally doing our job, when we have finally prepared that place. Jesus lives in each and every person and with that we are supposed to use the talents and gifts that our Almighty Creator gave us and begin to help prepare the place He has given us. This make me long to live out my Christian walk so much more because I am supposed to help prepare the place God is longing for us to have. Heaven on Earth. The thought is still too much to comprehend and I don't know if I will be able to comprehend what God's plans are ever.

Worship

I can remember being a little girl and asking my mom one day, "Why do people raise their hands during church?" She said it was for many different reasons, some to praise God, to thank Him, to feel close to him, and more. Being young I did not understand that concept. Sometimes I thought it was silly of people. My dad even did it one service and I can remember being embarrassed that he had stood up while the rest of the congregation was sitting and raised his hands to God. Growing up I realized that he was reaching out for God and singing "I exalt Thee" with all that he could. The first time I ever raised my hands to worship God was my freshman year of high school in Nashville, TN during a missions trip. I opened up my heart to God and raised my hands to praise and worship Him with all that I could. During high school I grew in my relationship with God and being close to Him.

Since being in college I have sometimes forgot how to worship and praise God will all that I have. I get nervous of what people will think of me when I raise my hands to worship and that is not a good thing. The people around me are here to worship and sing out to God just as much as me and the fear inside of me is Satan trying to make me stand back from God. So tonight during Sanctuary I prayed at the beginning for God to allow me to worship Him and not worry about those around me. At times I got scared but I closed my eyes and just focused on God. During the song Psalm 13 my hands were raised in the air worshipping God and praying the words being sung from my lips to God. I wanted to sing as loud as I could and give it all up to Him.

Then during another song, You hold me now by hillsong, I just sat down and prayed to God and actually gave it all to Him. To focus the best I could I began to pray aloud so I could focus and at certain points the song that was being sung would resonate through my lips. Prayers for me and others came to my lips. Some of the words I did not even know were coming out. I felt like the Holy Spirit had helped me develop my words. I realized at that moment once again how important it is to lift up our concerns and needs in prayer to God. He longs for us to talk to Him and being so open with Him and longing so much for Him is so important.

God is so amazing and I wish words could describe Him. As Romans 8:6 say, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

Realization

This past weekend I partook in leadership summit with my school. This experience first off taught me so much about taking charge and claiming my role. Along with that I learned how to work with others and how to determine strengths. We worked together with members from other leaderships on campus and we learned to work with one another. One activity the point of it was to simply ask for help, our team took 15-20 minutes to figure this out. We kept going in a circle and never asked for someone to help us. I learned that it is okay to ask for help when I am in a tough or sticky situation. Throughout this next year I am going to run into bump and curves and I am going to have to ask for help and in doing so I will learn so much. The summit was incredible and so much more could be said but this was a segway into my next point.

Tonight Dan Moranville, Stuckey, Katie Lawson, Heather Bryant, and I all had a time of fellowship, if you would call it that. We talked for 2 hours about almost anything under the sun. We covered topics on what a relationship is, a committed friendship, brokenness, the flood, the radio station, the campus, and so much more. During part of this discussion I was becoming to have a sense of peace over the whole Ben and me thing. Then afterwards Dan and I talked for about 45 minutes about just him and Lauren, Ben and me, then counseling. The whole discussion just helped me realize so much. Sure one thing that scares me is that Ben and I may never be friends again but it is something I have to accept, but I have to wait and see what happens. Ben was honest with me throughout the relationship and I did not want to listen to him. He told me he couldn't live up to the expectations I had created for him and I didn't listen. Even after the break up he told me his honest thoughts and I didn't want to accept them. Now looking back on it and after talking with Dan, I realize that Ben was doing his part and I was not being mature and accepting it but now the time has come to realize that. Bashing him to people around me isn't going to help the situation nor is it going to help him or I. In the summit we learned to be positive, people feed off of the negative and that is what I have done in this break up. There is no need to sit here and wonder what if because Ben and I were headed for the road of break up no matter the way we looked at it. We were finally forming the friendship needed and during that time we realized our values were different and would affect us in the long run and we didn't need that, for either of our lives, but Ben was the one who realized it first and it just took me time to get there. I can't expect so much from someone, because they are just a human. They are not meant to be an idol or someone I focus so much attention upon, but they are just a person, like me. Growing up is a hard thing to do and I am beginning to get there. I am now a leader, in a top position here at school and I need to lead by example and realizing so much of Ben and me right now is only going to help me lead people better. Thanks be to God for helping me come to realizations and for bringing people into my life to help me understand. There is so much more to realize and accept and that will take time but in the mean time God needs to become the center of my life and other events in my life will fall into action.

The boy.

As time goes by without talking to him I get a little better and a little worse. I wonder if he is even thinking of me at all or if he ever thinks about contacting me, but I guess if he wanted to contact me he would have by now, right? As much as I don't want to love him anymore I can't seem to get over him. As much as I want to hate him I can't because he meant and still means so much to me. As much as I want to let him go, I can't seem to let him go completely. My heart aches every day because I wonder about his life and what is happening in it. I look at his page trying to get a glimpse of what is happening and all i see is girls posting on his wall that he replies back to, when he never did that for me, and the pictures of how he currently looks, clean shaved and cut hair, another thing I longed for him to do. I miss him so much and I miss our friendship that we had gained but it scares me that if I contact him and just work on the friendship then I will only hurt myself more right now. I don't know what is better for me still to not talk to him or to have him in my life in some aspect. I don't know what he is thinking but that he asks other's how I am doing or if I hate him. Why can't he just come to me? That's all I am longing for.

Is there Someone for Everyone

My home church is doing a series called, "Got ?'s" where the congregation can ask any questions they have and then answers are given in one of three ways. Modeled after Life church in Oklahoma, The Bible is our standard of truth, When the Bible doesn't speak clearly they will add biblical principles, or the pastors opinion (you can give or take his answer)

So one of the questions asked was "Is there really someone for everybody?" When I first heard this my answer is yes, of course there is. How many times have I had that discussion with friends about there being someone out there to make us happy and fulfill our needs of life. Well Keith blew my mind with his answer. So is there somebody for everyone? He says, "Yes, and His name is Jesus." Hearing that answer I sat up in bed and paused the video of him talking. I thought about what was just said, Jesus. Why had I never thought of that before was one of my first thoughts and then I realized because I am so focused on the wants and needs for a physical human being rather the Almighty God. Finally I unpaused the video sermon and listened to the rest of what Keith had to say.

"I keep trying to find that special person... In the Bible it does not seem that God says everyone is going to be married..."

"You need to find your identity in Jesus and not in the relationship with someone else. You need to find your identity in Jesus and not in the lonely you are feeling, find it in Jesus. It is okay to have the want of finding somebody and wanting to be married but once that focus becomes your main goal things have been thrown out of wack. You're the one who has disrupted the flow you're supposed to be in and you have to turn your boat around and get back to the identity with Jesus." He then read Philippines 4:6-7. He proceeded to say, "The fact that Christ is within you help you guard your heart and mind. Having Christ as your identity will protect your heart and mind. Stop looking for the right person but be the right person. Stop looking for Mr and Mrs right instead be Mr/Mrs right. Trust in God. Stop looking for the right person and don't settle. If you're going to find your identity in jesus then the person you're in a relationship with needs to have found their identity in Jesus. If we want to find someone then Jesus has to be the core thought."

What he says almost seems like it should have been right in front of my face. The answer to the question is so simple that maybe it is so simple that I didn't see. And that part of his sermon was exactly what I needed to hear. I realized that I have been looking and searching for the perfect person and trying to make someone into the perfect person but that shouldn't be my job. I just need to make Jesus my focus and my identity and with that everything will come into focus. My goal now is to make jesus my identity and to become the perfect Mrs. and that will all fall into place when Jesus is my core.

L-O-V-E

Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.” ~Louis de Bernieres

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Love is such an incredible part of life and makes us who we become. Love can be the best thing to experience but can bring along the worst pain imaginable. It can make you believe anything is possible. Love is supporting a person through everything life throws at them. Love can entangle two souls together forever no matter the distance. Love is confusing and not easily understood. Love makes a person become someone. ILOVEYOU.

Heartbreak

A heartbreak is something no one ever wants to endure. Today I have felt what it is like to have the heart broken and to have the tears never stop coming. I am holding onto faith that I am going to be okay and that I am going to make it through this. In fact, I know that I am going to make it through this even though it won't be an easy task. Four months is not a life time invested into a relationship and that is all he and I had. It is going to take time to get over this all and to be okay with it. I have to give up talking to him and it is going to be one of the hardest things to do, but it what i need to do for my own healing. It may be three weeks from now or so that I see him next and when I do I want to be ready to see him and okay with it all. I just need time to come to my senses and be okay with it all. I still want our friendship to exist but currently for the best for both of us is to figure out our life and to not have this connection. It won't be easy, it is going to be one of the hardest things to do, but for now this is what needs to happen. It is going to be a rough couple of weeks but I know that I can make it. Heartbreak is not simple but I know that a lot can be learned from it.

Slowly Learning.

Sure sometimes life can throw everything at a person at one time and things all come crumbling down, but eventually life begins to look up again. Between family, friends, and my boyfriend life for the past week has seemed completely impossible to get through. Family is supposed to be that support system that is there for the entirety of one's life, but my family is dysfunctional. Growing up having to learn how to not deal with emotions and then a divorce only a year and a half ago we have all been through a lot. Things have been said that have hurt one or another and we didn't know how to deal with that. Slowly as we have all grown up and spent time with friends and other families we have learned how to deal with emotions and how to deal with issues with one another. And with friends, oh friendship. Some of my friends have been all over the world so the ones I used to lean on the most have been gone and communication is not the easiest thing to do. I have learned to lean on other friends and it has helped friendships blossom into greatness. Although when one of those friends suddenly goes away from you for a couple days life is even more hard, especially when everything else is already crumbling. It is the best thing though when a friendship is so strong that no matter the distance, the time not being able to talk, and the issues in life it can all prevail. Friendships are some of the best things in life to help me make it through life. I know that God has brought people into my life for a reason and I may not know it at a specific moment but at some point in life, I will figure out their purpose. Then being in a relationship is a great thing. I've been blessed with an amazing boyfriend who has put up with a lot in the past 3 1/2 months. Although the past two weeks I have fallen apart throughout the relationship and he has helped bring me back to reality and through every emotion I was feeling. No one ever said a relationship was going to be smooth sailing, there is always going to be bumps along the way, but that is what makes a person stronger. The past two weeks I was an emotional roller coaster and have had to learn to accept a lot of things in every relationship I have, but I am slowly learning what to do in order to make each relationship better and for the best. Along with everything that has happened I have learned to love God unconditionally and learned to fall in love with Him every day. He is incredible and has taught me so much in the past month and a half since I've invested a part of my day to Him. He deserves even more time then that time in the morning I give Him, I want to live my whole life for Him. He is an incredible God and I give Him thanks and praise for all the trials I have been through and for helping me make it through those times. Life is beginning to look up once again and smiles fill my face every day. Thank you for the troubles, because even though they are rough there is always sunshine on the other side.

Saviour King

"You asked your Son to carry this
The heavy cross our weight of sin

I love you Lord, I worship you
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king"

Every time I hear this song my heart goes out to God and I sing to Him. I don't care where I am or who I am with, this song touches my life in such an incredible way right now. I always knew that spending time in the Word and actually taking time to communicate with God and to have that Solo relationship with him would change everything, but I never accepted. After spending over a month in the Word I have seen such a change in my life. I have fallen more in love with Christ these past couple of days especially that it is unreal. When I am reading devotionals and actually concentrate on the words I can truly sense the Holy Spirit. Then when I take time to pray and tell God how I truly feel it is so amazing to feel the connection with Him. He is an amazing Saviour and I am so blessed to have Him in my life.

What It's All About.

I want that love where no matter what the other person is there. I want that love where communication is the key to success. That type of love where no matter how long I am with the person, every day I talk to them or I see them I just fall in love all over again. Where we are an uplifting relationship to one another, that is the love I want. To be that couple where the passion for each other is there every minute of every day. I want to be that couple where i love you can never be said too much. Where compliments can be the same but any time they are said we believe in the other and a smile appears. I want to have that love where no matter the distance placed between us we can make it through the miles. Thank you or appreciation comes from our lips whenever the other does something special or sweet for the other in this love. I want to have that love where encouragement comes to one another during the times of trouble or need. I want that love where we see each other in our days even when we are apart. Being with each other never gets tiring or old when in love. Laughter is always with us when we are in love whether it be because of the other's silly self or because we are so happy with each other that laughter fills our souls. I want to be that couple that when people look at us they say, I want what they have. Lifting each other up everyday is what we do in the relationship. Spiritual and emotional connection is so unreal in this relationship that the love cannot be put into words. I want that relationship where happiness is pouring out of us and everyone knows it is because we are in love.I want that love where we can never get enough of the other. I want that love that is so pure. A single flower can say a thousand words in this type of love. I long for the relationship that we can grow old and wrinkly together and can tell other's about the love we had 50 years ago and how it has never faded. I want to have that relationship where I still get butterflies every time we kiss. Silence is fine in this relationship because we know that we are simply with the other person and words are not needed to fill our hearts. The simple things put a smile on my face in this love. The love I want is worth any battle that comes in between the relationship. I just want a relationship that feels like a fairy tale. We are each other's rocks in the relationship. This relationship and love is there...somewhere.

Breaking Point

At one point or another in life, we all reach a breaking point. We all have that moment where we break down like we never have before and lose a part of our selves. During this moment every wall that we have placed up in our life comes crumbling down and the pain we feel is indescribable. It is almost like the weight of a hundred elephants walking over us and the tears that stain our cheeks burn like fire. This is a moment none of us ever want to come to but sometimes it is necessary. Here we find out quite a bit of information. We find out how much a situation has been hurting us and how long we have been fighting to keep everything alright. Life is never going to be simple and sometimes these moments where we break down completely are what we need to realize what is important for our own good and for the good of the other person.

Drowning

No one ever wants to experience the feeling of drowning. Pretend that you are an experienced swimmer and you know the basics of how to swim and how to be safe. One day though something goes wrong and you get tangled up by a rope and no matter what you do you can't get untangled (this being the want in your life or the sin). Once you realize you can't get undone panic sets in (the wonderings of is the right, should I be doing this, or is there a way to fix this?). Suddenly the gasping for air comes into affect, but when you gasp for air all you get is water (the want or sin of your life is beginning to overwhelm who you are and take over you). Now there are many endings to this scenario.

One. A swimmer comes by at just the right time and helps untangle you and saves you from almost drowning. When you reach the surface you gasp for air and then breathe in again realizing that you are free and can breathe once again. What was tangling you up was left at the bottom of the ocean floor and when you gasped for that first breath of air you were free of that want or sin. Now the person who saved you can be a mixture of many people: family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, or God. Maybe the family and friends helped you put together the problems you were having and led you back from the mess. Or your significant other saw that you were sinking and gave up everything they needed to in order to save you. Then there is God who saw the whole process take place and he watched you suffer and He came and saved you because He knew you needed Him and didn't want this pain anymore.

Two. There is some miracle and the rope becomes loose and you are able to swim to the top. You reach the top yet again gasping for air, but this is not the same as if someone saves you. This breath is a thank goodness i am alive, but you are going to fall back into the same trap as before. You don't realize how you were saved but you get past that. You go back to your old habits of that want or sin and keep thinking it will get better or solve itself once again.

Three. No one comes, the rope doesn't loosen itself. The only fate left is simply drowning to the death of this sin or want. You have become so developed in this part of life that it overwhelms your every thought. This want or sin becomes everything to you and you will do anything to protect it or say it is going to change. But in this scenario we can all see that the want or sin wins by overtaking the mind and body and the person tangled up by the rope loses. What they thought was going to change or was alright consumed their every being and they lost the battle they were trying to fight.

Drowning is not something we want to experience, but it is not only the drowning in water that a person can experience. In one point or another we all have this drowning affect overtake our lives. Whether it be during the school year with work, doing office work, figuring out relationships with family and friends, or falling in love with everything when it the other is not, we all drown. We consume ourselves with this thought or action and it become the reason for our every day movement. It may not be easy to let go of this sin or want, but for the better being of your own self you might have to let go to protect yourself. Drowning is not something we want to go through, but the experience is one that we can grow from.

Love

Love. That seems like it should be such a simple word but the complexity behind it is overwhelming. Shouldn't love be simple and easy, something that just comes naturally? Or is love something we are supposed to work at even when the going gets rough? That is something I am trying to figure out. The four letter word can change the meaning to any relationship; family, friends, or a significant other.

What is the difference between the word love? I love my friends and some of them I would do anything for, but what is the love I have for them any different than the love I have for my family? How can love be one word but have so many different meanings depending on the relationship we speak of. How do we know if someone truly loves us? What is love, that is all i want to know.