"I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you."

Isn't this a moto that we as Christians should live by? Samwise Gamgee could not have said anything more true in the last movie of the Lord of the Rings. Frodo battled the temptations of this ring and the evil that was brought with it. Sam was by his side through thick and thin. When Frodo stopped believing in Sam, even though hurt, Sam kept waiting for Frodo to come back to him. Eventually Frodo always came back to Sam and depended on him to help him make it through the difficult journey.

In this journey of life we have those people we walk through it all with. Some of those people come and go while others stay for our entire lives. Throughout all the pain we go through we constantly have one person on our side waiting for us to come to him. No matter how far off the path we go or even when we are teetering the sidelines, God is an omnipresent God.

Standing up.

Life is one mega roller coaster. There are constant ups and downs, twists and turns, and loop-dee-loops. Some people are worth our time and some are not. We often have to learn through the hurt, pain, and anger. In my life though I am worth something to someone.

Trusting is so hard.

Two and a half weeks ago my life had a bump in it and every day I have been faced with something new. To start off my friend and I decided to end our friendship. This was not an easy decision and tears were shed. I assumed we might go a week not talking, but minutes, days, and weeks have passed by now. But I can't go out of order so I continue from the friendship that ended. My best friend, the person I was growing with, was suddenly cut out of my life. We went from seeing each other every day and talking every day to being nothing. Then the next day I get an email from a professor saying we have to talk about the orphanage in India. The next morning a group of 4 of us met with the professor and he told us how 23 girls we taken from the orphanage over night. I suddenly felt numb, more numb than two days before. I found the news articles and a video of the girls. There I saw one of my girls being boarded onto the train. I fell asleep and awoke an hour or so later feeling completely defeated and sick. At last I broke down in pain. The week went on and I talked to some of my girls from the hostel. Then I went through car issues and missing Josh more than anything. I was going through so much and I just wanted him there to hold me and let me talk about my thoughts and fears. Except I couldn't go to him. Then I got a message from my girl Andrea and she told me about 3 other girls in our grade 8 class that were taken. The girls I talked to and were beyond precious, just gone. From there the next week came along. I assumed what else could happen? More information on India happened and the girls were breaking. I couldn't do anything for them. My friend was still gone. All the emotions and feelings were just growing inside of me. One of my girls told me that everyone was going to have to leave the orphanage and they were scared. Once again that week, I broke down out of pure pain. I talked to a friend about the hurt I was having on that Sunday and she talked it through with me. I thought everything would be done, once again. Then I get news from my roommate since the beginning that she is moving out and she has finalized the move and all of her things are gone. Then today I get a text from my friend that has been gone. I was so happy thinking we were going to finally be okay. Instead he told me that William Wallace (the dog) was going to be getting a new home. I sat at work and tears welled up in my eyes. This dog was a source of happiness for me and always made me happy. Before I left to say goodbye I came to my room and just cried. This puppy was the last thing I truly believe I could take. I went to visit the puppy for one last time. Josh came out and our conversation was slim. When he left me with William, once again I broke. I miss Josh so much and I am going to miss the dog. My life was breaking once again during that moment.

All of this to say I have begun to realize how important it is to trust God. Sometimes that is easier said than done. At times I am filled with peace and know that God is watching over all of my girls, Josh, and now William Wallace. Normally when I am down about this all I pray to God. I know that He is taking care of everything but it is still difficult. The girls in India I have to trust learned all that they need to know and that God is watching over them every step of the way. Even when it comes to Josh, God is keeping Him safe because he is His child. I just have to trust God.

Romans 8

"What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for His own? No one-for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God's right hand, pleading for us. Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the scripture says, "For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.") No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries, about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all of creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:31-39

The love that is received from God is insane. He will do anything for us to show us His love for us. Sometimes that is through people closest to us, a random stranger, or children in another country. The thought of love these days overwhelms my mind as I try to understand what it means and how we are supposed to show that feeling to those in our lives. Sometimes it is scary to love those closest to us and to love them unconditionally is fearful because we may be hurt by it. We are called to love though. If God loves me unconditionally and through everything, why can't I just love those that matter most with all I have?

The Kiss

Life is often full of the unexpected. People you know turn out to be someone you never thought and those dearest to you have more control than you think. Well I have a friend who I have confided in and grown in a relationship with. We have been asked what the deal is with us and we have had the DTR talk. Until the past day or two i was perfectly fine with where this guy and I were. Then he asked me to come stay the night at his sisters and I didn't think anything of it. We lied in bed and just talked about what we have done in past relationships. It was going on 2AM and I had to wake up for church so I was slowly falling in and out of sleep. I woke up when he took his shirt off and then wrapped himself around me. The second time he was scratching my back where my shirt had been raised. From there he was scratching my stomach when I turned towards him. Our faces were close to one another and I could sense that something was going to happen. I told him that this had to mean something and if it didn't then not to do it because he had every ounce of power to hurt me. He laid still and didn't move so I assumed he was done. Then he sat up and looked at me and said The last thing I want to do is hurt you. He began by nibbling my ear, then he slowly started to kiss my face, everywhere but my lips. I grabbed his face finally and said if you are going to kiss me then do it otherwise this can't keep happening. He said he wanted to kiss me but he knew it would hurt me more down the road. I asked if there were any feelings or if this was just him being needy and wanting something. At first he was just silent and I was so upset to think that it was just because. But then he told me there were feelings but sometimes there weren't any. Those none feelings were there because we are two different people. I then got upset and said that he was a jerk for doing what he did. He left and went to sleep on the couch. I went in and out of sleep because I was so upset with him. Then he came in at 10AM to tell me the time because of church. He lied there and then the same thing from earlier that morning happened. He started by scratching my head, then my arm, then back, and last my stomach. I thought that maybe he had a change of heart, but at the same time i was still nervous. I turned my head towards him and we lied there for some time being. Then he looked at me and was over me, at first there was nothing. We were just there in the same position as the night before. Then he kissed me. And we continued to kiss. There was a lot of this and before we knew it, it was 1:45PM. We had to separate make out sessions, that were pretty intense. When we were done we both realized what had happened. He began to feel the guilt and I began to worry about our friendship. Things are going to be different now and it worries me. He said there won't be anymore alone time with each other and that kills me. That is the only time we spent together. I guess I will see how it all plays into each other.

As the day goes by we text one another making sure the other is okay not not full of regret. He said if we both know what happened and understand that nothing is coming out of it then we will be fine. I can accept all of that, it may not be the top of my wanting, but I understand. I asked him why he sometimes has feelings and why he sometimes doesn't. He responded with, "Because you are an amazing friend who happens to be an attractive female. I would be stupid or homosexual to not feel something for you. But thats where it ends for me. I know what I want and you just aren't her:(" As much as I hate him saying that I am glad he is being honest with me. Although, I sometimes wish that he was just too scared to be in a relationship with me, but I know that isn't the case. I didn't want him to be just another guy and I have to accept and be okay that he is. He is different from other guys though. He is someone I confide in, I laugh with, tell me past to, trust, and want to spend time with. I don't want to hurt him. I pray for the strength to make it through all of this. I pray that him and I will be okay and even though it will be awkward for a couple days I know him and I will survive this because we've survived so much together.

Worshiping God.

Sometimes it is so easy to forget how important it is to spend time with God. Not just by going to church on Sunday, but actually spending time with him every day. Since Easter Sunday I have been trying to connect more with God. In fact, during the Easter Sunday service I began to realize how much Jesus did for me that day and how I do not deserve any of the love or mercy He gives me. The fact that God loves me so much and sent Jesus to go through this pain for me is unbelievable. I do wrong every day and yet His mercy will never be enough.

Tonight I attended that last Sanctuary of the year. I had a feeling it would be a good one, but it really hit me tonight. I am learning to let myself be me during worship and to not worry about what my friends or the people around me think. It is not about them but about The One above. I let myself be one with the music and lyrics and sang them to God. During the song, "You hold me now" the arms raised around the room towards God was just amazing. People were truly worshiping the One who gives us the air we breathe. We were all one as our hands were raised to God and our voices singing praises to Him. When the song finished my friend looked at me and asked, "Is it possible for my abs to hurt from praising God so much?" My response back, "Is it possible for my back to hurt from praising God so much?" She said, "This is amazing."

The songs kept going and the worship kept becoming more passionate. Praises were being sung by hundreds of people. People who have been hurt, gone through struggles, laughed, smiled, and lived life to the fullest. No matter what people felt that day, we all praised Jesus as one. The Holy Spirit was in that room tonight and in the hearts of so many.

God is truly an indescribable being. He is Awesome and Mighty. I can't even fathom what all He has in store for me in my future if I only trust Him. Sometimes that can be scary, but I know that God is going to be there and lead me through these times. Our God is so good and He loves us so. He is holy, He is righteous, He is calm and patient. He is everything we need.

Honesty.

Honesty is such an important aspect to any relationship. Sometimes I forget that telling someone the truth is one of the best things to do. No matter how difficult it may be that is the only thing that someone can respect. Sure, honesty can be painful sometimes, but it is always better than lying. Holding in the truth from people who are closest to you can cause hurt and sadness. Honesty.

Lost.

I thought I knew what I wanted to write about, but the moment I turned on Before the Throne by Shane and Shane I just wanted to cry. Of course emotions are hard for me to express anymore lately. I went through counseling to be able to show how I was feeling and at times I feel like I have just fallen backwards. I read through my blogs and see a girl that was growing into a lady of God and realizing the purpose of life. Now my whole world seems upside now. I fall back into old temptations and sins, old longings, and frustrations. I can't seem to get away from them no matter how hard I try. I see friends around me growing in their relationship with God and I wonder where is He? I know that God is with me but I am staying far away from Him. The promises I have made to Him, I keep breaking. Why can't I keep these promises to God? He should be the one person I never want to hurt or let down and yet every time I make these promises to Him, I just lie once more. Does He give up on me after I break this certain promise one time after another? I know if someone repeating the same lie I would eventually give up all hope I had in them. Why does He care so much to hold on? I so badly want to be over this sin but I don't think I can do it alone, but to go someone scares me. Yes I have my closest friends but we discussed this now three years ago, I should be past this point. A sin that has consumed me for 5 years and won't go away. It is keeping me from growing with my Heavenly Father and I need help.

The Guys

My friends are simply some of the most fantastic people I have encountered in my life. This group of guys has literally turned my life around and have become some of the closest people to me. Originally there were three and now there are four, but only three have become ones that I go over to see constantly. The time that we all spend together isn't about doing crazy things, although there are moments like that, but moments of living life. Tonight it was about sitting at a dinner table talking about life, how to go about things, and just any other topic that came to mind. Then as time progressed it turned into a sense of ministry by washing some dishes, and by some I mean a large amount. The kitchen was spotless and we all sat around just talking about everything. From there it went to learning new things, this time how to saw. At first it was tricky but as practice continued the board broke. Then came a time to sit and once again just talk, and keep in mind that all of these scenarios take place with different people. Talks about religion, spirituality, philosophy, what is wanting to be done in one's life, school, and places we have been or will be going just are discussed. Then time keeps ticking and a new clock is put on the wall. Cans of food that were given to the guys were placed on the side of their selves they now have distinguished at the community side. This side were they get donations or from dumpster diving and give it to others. Food is made and conversations are started again. From here the relaxing part of the night comes where everyone slowly begins to grow tired but the bonds of everyone in that house continued to search and grow for the other. Learning ways of survival (and on the top fifteen, a condom is a survival must), having time to talk once again of Adam and Eve, and did they really exist. Sitting on a couch under a blanket with one laughing and growing more tired while a third is there and we all converse. History and Christianity are discussed and laughter emerges from us three as some random comments are made that are just humorous at the moment of time-slap happy. Then comes a time for two to bond over poems and hear the beauty of happiness and what wealth really is. The time on that chair under a blanket were two people, or two souls, are joining as one and piecing together what was just read and enjoying the company of the other. The two then become four and laughter is emerging again and eyes are beginning to feel heavy. Conversations are still stirring and never growing dull. Finally the night must end and I must come back to campus (if I had a charger the night would have continued and I would have slept peacefully in the room they have told me is mine). Hugs were given (and throughout the hugs were given and words of kindness were exchanged) and goodnights were said. I am so blessed for these guys in my life but they state their blessing from me. Maybe we were all brought together for these moments currently to live life and to learn from one another. The guys are becoming my safe place. I love them.